Friday, March 11, 2011

time to be real

     my friend todd sent jessica and i a link earlier today and it really got me thinking about myself and my life.  it was about perfection, and how everybody is striving for that unattainable goal.  everybody wants to be perfect, or at least appear perfect to others, because in their minds, everyone else is perfect, even though we all know that thats not true.  we all have our problems and weaknesses and insecurities but we dont want anyone else to know about them.  i mean think about it, we all have those one or two things that we really do just hate about ourselves and make us insecure and feel like we dont measure up to others. but do we talk about these things with other people? no. are these problems we have with ourselves being solved? no. why? why dont we just talk about it? if these things are causing us so much pain, why dont we want to try and heal them; try to make them go away?  I know for me, sitting here at 2 in the morning writing this post thinking about what im about to tell people about myself, its terrifying.  a part of me wants to delete all of this and just go to bed and forget that i ever thought about doing this. i dont want to open myself up like that, even though most of it is probably obvious to others, its not to me, i havent accepted it yet.  but the other part of me cant wait to post this.  im tired of pretending like i dont care, like things dont have an effect on me.  im exhausted of just being the fun person who is never really bothered by anything, just goin with the flow, completely fine with my life.  so thats why im doing this, putting it all out there. im not sure how this will help, but i feel like it will. it feels right. the link talked about starting by just being real, starting with yourself.  if im not real with myself and cant admit these things to myself and accept them, how can i possibly expect myself to be real with other people?  so here we go, heres all the things that i hate about myself, things that i have to come to accept if im ever going to be completely happy.
     lets just get the big one (hahaha pun, kinda) out there.  im fat, im overweight, have been basically my whole life. i mean obviously everyone knows about this, its not like its some huge secret. i guess the problem is how much i let it effect me and how much it takes over every aspect of my life.  i hit 200 hundred pounds in the 8th grade and havent been under since.  I spent my whole high school experience convincing myself that my life would be better if i could just be skinny.  dont get me wrong, i know that skinny people have problems and issues too of course, but in my head if i could just be skinny like everyone else, it would solve all my problems.  if i were skinny i would have more friends.  if i were skinny i could play the sports i wanted to play. if i were skinny i might have a boyfriend.  if i were skinny i would be cute, maybe even beautiful.   ive spent my whole life telling myself these things and hating my body; hating myself.  every issue ive ever had, every insecurity, has stemmed from this hatred and disgust i have for my body.  it has been the obstacle that i have never been able to get over.  i have never been able to loose the weight that i felt i needed to to be happy, and i probably never will.  thats the real obstacle i need to get over though.... i need to accept that the likeliness of me always being overweight for the rest of my life is huge.  i might never loose this weight.  what am i going to do then? spend my whole life hating myself, never completely happy, looking at everyone else wishing i had their perfect lives? can you say miserable? can you say exhausting?? that sounds like the worst plan ever.  i just need to accept it.  this is my life, this is my body.  and my body does not define me. well ok i mean it does, but there are so many other aspects of me that should make up who i am and define me, not just the fact that my body is fat.  i can be happy right now, and not a gazillion years in the future when ive miraculously found the motivation to work hard and eat right and have lost a thousand pounds (no i do not weigh a thousand pounds...thank goodness, that would really suck).  I dont have to wait for that day that has only so far existed in my imagination to be happy and be me.
     idunno, this has turned out longer than i thought.  i know i said that i was going to talk about all the issues i have (emphasis on the plural part of the word) and ive only really talked about my weight but really thats it.  dont get me wrong, i have plenty of problems, trust me, but they all go back to this one, the fact that i have yet to accept my body.  but i think this has helped.  before writing this my heart felt like it was about to die, and like i said i just wanted to forget about it.  but now my heart feels fine and im feelin good.  its a pretty nice feeling.  and im not even really worried about who is reading this or what they might think of me.  im not doing this for any of you, sorry. =] haha im doing this for me. ha lamee and corny and cliche and stupid i know, but its true and yeah. it may not seem like a big deal or very much of a surprise (what?!?! she's fat and she hates it?!? i cant believe it!!! hahaha), but like ive been saying, probably a thousand times by now, it was a pretty big deal for me i guess...anyways im going to bed now, im tired of rambling on and on.  love you. =] peace and blessing, peace and blessings.
     oh and i forgot... heres the link if you wanna read it. its pretty good =]

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